: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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