Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
