My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
