Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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