she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
