i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
