Just fell off a train. Bad.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
