I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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