I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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