I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
