Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
