I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
