do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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