Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I could make wine with my vomit
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
