She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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