At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
