my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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