theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
