So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
