my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
