My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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