Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
