I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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