My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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