Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
