i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
