Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
