So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
