i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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