Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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