You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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