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Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
