Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She bit a glass in half.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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