i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
