Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
