There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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