matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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