My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
