I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
