I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
