Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
