"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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