Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
