apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
