I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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