i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
