I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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