We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
