K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
