R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
